Practicing Goodbyes

The unbearable and beautiful weight of departure

It’s less than a month until I depart for Portland, OR, and the future is hard to hold.

I’ve been spending the last few weeks partially alone, on and off, with people coming and going. To remedy this a little, I’ve been gathering friends to watch strange movies. It is a way to be together, with not so much pressure to keep conversation going consistently. I enjoy time with people, even if it’s just their presence. I’ve always been more of an observer, and I am ok with that. The last so called movie night happened a few weeks ago. We watched The Crow (a rollercoaster fever dream with incredible action and lots of rain). Though a depressing movie, it made me content to appreciate it with others. However, people disperse, and I have responsibilities in the city, so though I am grateful to be able to gather those I care for, I have been spending a lot of time alone.

Being alone is hard. Living alone is hard. That is not to say that there is no one there, this is incorrect. It is the being alone at times that are unfamiliar. It is waking up in an empty house and going to sleep in an empty house. Though I put this on myself with my work, I still feel out of place. This is perhaps a little bit of a scary realization since I will be away from my family for most of this coming year, but I am lucky to be able to share my upcoming travels with Claire, who, if you keep following along, will probably show up a lot! I remember really loving being alone a few years ago. It is not so easy as of late. I really love to share experiences, but understand that that is not always a realistic option. I think there is a lot of relearning yet to happen. I know alone. It is maybe loneliness that I am more so trying to accept, and step away from. The acceptance is easy. The stepping away is hard.

I have been working at a restaurant in DUMBO for the past month, four days a week, four days in a row (Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday). Work has been tough. It’s my first time working at a restaurant and it is something that has gotten me sick and frustrated, but has taught me forms of patience and stillness. Not sure it is something I want to continue in my future, but it is good for now. I’ve had many strange encounters with people, good and bad. It’s like a bubble that amplifies everyone’s bare desires, out in the open alongside their consumption. It is a true test to stand on one’s feet all day and always be thinking. Tiring!

I am escaping work for a little, and going upstate in a few days with Kayo, something that we did during a similar time last year. It is that time of year for me where I start to really enjoy swimming. Those who know me well know that I really don’t like water. But, there are moments where this is not the case. I have a feeling that that time is now. I am excited for this trek because I think it will be nice to be surrounded by green and blue. I have a mixed relationship with the place. I formed my greatest friendships there, and practically grew up there, but it also holds a lot of my biggest fears. It is a place that is a lot more dramatic than the city in my opinion. Kayo and I will be in Washington state around the same time in a few months, I am excited to see what the change of scenery holds. A more fog filled green awaits.

I’ve also been able to spend a good amount of time with Sam who has been an incredibly important part of my life for the past year. He is often the light of my day, sometimes waiting outside my work towards the end of my shift. Sharing space together is very special to me. What a beautiful thing it is to feel love! He has been learning the bass on his own and is making a lot of progress. I will always recommend learning how to play an instrument without a teacher first. It is more fun that way.

Music stuff has been developing. I told myself that I would release an album (calling is Departure) by the end of the summer. That will not happen, but hopefully upon my short return in December. Making music is tough, but it is so rewarding. Claire and I hope to make some tunes on the road together. It will be legendary.

I’ve got lots of planning and packing yet to do, but Claire and I have already confirmed with three farms in the PNW! We will be goat packing, cranberry bogging, mount hooding, and all. An adventure awaits, and one that requires leaving home.

This, however, isn’t a goodbye.

Before Haircut

After Haircut

(Cutting the hair before the journey is a recommended way to start)